Going Back in Time

I stayed up late last night looking through photos on my external hard drive and boy was I hooked. So many memories came flooding back. I can't believe how much my children have grown- right in front of my very eyes. Surprisingly I didn't get too teary-eyed. In fact, I found myself laughing out loud quite a bit. I am so, so grateful I've caught countless priceless moments on camera. Take this for example:

Hannah getting taken down by her 2 1/2 year old little sister. I can just hear Emmy yelling, "Hiya!" in an Asian accent. Priceless.

Or how about this one:

Maddie taste-testing the finger paint. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest she didn't like it.

Looking at old photos always stirs within me a desire to time travel  for one more chance to experience an event. Maybe to a time where I didn't make the most of my situation. Maybe to a time when we only had one child and therefore it didn't cost so much to go out to eat or to an event! Or maybe a time when I had the energy and focus to do all those fun, impromptu field trips or meticulously detailed lesson plans with my preschooler. Or how about back to a time when my mom was still alive and she, Hannah Banana and I would hang out. Sometimes I'd like to go back to when each of my children were first born, just to breathe in their intoxicatingly delicious newborn scent and hold their warm, floppy bodies close to mine.

I can get so caught up in everyday life that sometimes I don't even realize my kids grew in their sleep the previous night. And by the time I got to our third child, how easy it was to forget that everything is new to her and she deserves to be celebrated with as much gusto as her two big sisters were. Once-in-a-while, I don't feel like being Mommy for just that day and I don't have the ooomph I need to be creative. But then I get over my selfishness and I do notice something new in my children - or I'm the mom I want to be - and in my mind I sigh with contentment. "This is what it's all about. Being their mother is the best job in the world."

Looking through Maddie's baby photos last night made me long for a few more moments in that time of her life--oh, how I forgot how little she used to be! And then I realized I will  get to go through that baby stage one more time. While this baby caught us completely by surprise, I know that I need to make the most of this experience. It is my last time of having a newborn and I'm determined to capture a bajillion moments on film. One more chance to experience the exhausting yet precious moments of a new little person making their own special place in our family.

Baby #4

I admit though that photos can often make me sad, because I wonder where the time went and I can't figure out how to slow it down. When I do, I'll be sure to bottle it and sell it. I think one of the hardest parts for me as a mom is that realization that they aren't babies anymore. Our oldest daughter will begin third grade in a few weeks, which just blows my mind.

But at the same time, that's one of the best parts of being a mom. Watching your kids accomplish new things and becoming whoever it is they're supposed to be can be quite magical...and humorous or agonizing! I love that feeling of pride when my children show me they wrote their name all on their own for the first time. Or receiving homemade cards and macaroni necklaces. Watching them sing in a concert at school or going to a parent-teacher conference and hearing great things about my big kid also makes my heart want to burst.

Emmy's 1st Day of Pre-K. She did it!

There are so many joys to motherhood that I would willingly re-live it a thousand times over if I had to. But it's also trying enough that I am often grateful to only have this one shot to get it right. ©

Ta-Da!

I'm back!

For several years, I've dabbled in blogging and would invariably give it up. I can't even tell you how many blogs or blog names I've been through. (Ok, it's not really that many, but enough for me to forget.) Excuses? Not enough time to blog. Fear of weirdos reading about my family. Angry anonymous commenters who think they can force their bizarre views on me and change the world, and me, by telling me off. Indecisiveness about backgrounds, story ideas, using nicknames for my family or going completely private. Not liking my writing style. 

But I miss it. I miss my bloggy friends. I miss connecting with other moms out there in cyber space, who's own stories and challenges remind me that I am normal and that my family is pretty darn great. I miss my online diaries of events happening in my world; in my family. Even if no one else popped by to read the words I agonized over to get just right, I knew in my mind I was writing for my children. So that one day we could look back and say, "Ohhhhhh. I forgot all about that!" or "Wow, Mom, I didn't realize I was like that as a kid!"

I've realized recently that I'm having a hard time remembering who said what, or who certain things happened to....even with my 2 year old! Geez, shouldn't I be able to recall the things my 2 year old has experienced?! I feel like I'm losing it. (Maybe we can just blame it on the "pregnancy brain" hmmm?) I don't want to forget. I want them to remain my babies forever. Well, maybe not babies per se, but I just wish I could freeze time once-in-a-while. There's something extremely gratifying about cataloging the events, words said and snapshots of our days together, hence my need to create a blog... yet again.

With each new blog, and certainly this one, I think to myself, "This will be The One. This one is gonna convey exactly what I intended. I will make time to blog this time around. I will make the effort- whether in early morning or late at night- to write these things down for my kids. I will enjoy it."

And I hope you do too.©